1 AM

Exhausted, yet restless I sit here and ponder what tomorrow will hold.... TO-MOR-ROW. Its not likely I anticipate one
thing at a time. However, nothing will break my concentration of this seemingly long awaited day. I fear, yet I trust at the same time. Is that even possible? If not, I wonder what my level of trust actually is...

Do they really know how much I love them? Have I made it clear? What if I do not get another chance to tell them?... Oh Lord, show your hand. My eyes are wet from tears... Tears of love, from the heart you have given me. A Father to the orphan, a Healer to the broken, you are good and YOU ARE GOD.

I love you

These simple yet profound words have come to mean so much to me this past weekend. Love is so much more then what the world makes it out to be. The love of God is mind boggling, and yet overwhelming as I start to experience it more and more. I often ask how and why? Those questions still remain unanswered, as I continually mess up and prove myself unworthy to be known and loved by him. I am at a place of change. There is no other way for me to go other then forward. However, forward in my mind is going to seem torturous. I will do it though. I need refinement. By the grace of God I will take my next step as I lean on his strength. He knows my heart and still loves me when it is dark and cold. Wow...

It WILL make sense...

I have been carrying this cross for so long. I am just too tired... "Lord can I please cut part of it off? It is getting too heavy for me." With no clear answer, I went ahead and cut part of it off. I continued to move forward until I came to a steep hill. "Man.. (I thought to myself), there is no way I will get up this hill, I need to chop some more off to lighten the load." I took some more off and proceeded to walk up the hill. With my legs and lungs burning, and sweat dripping down my face I stopped for a break. "This is so hard." I thought to myself. Then I noticed I was not the only one carrying a cross. There were others all around me. They seemed to be tired too.

"Hello? You know you can just cut off the end and it will be lighter?" No one took my advice, in fact they didn't even look at me. Their eyes were looking straight ahead. "Well then, I guess I will just show them. They will see..." I then, cut off more of my cross, enough to carry the load without really feeling the pain or loosing my breath. I didn't understand why everyone else was suffering when they could just make it easier.

Finally I came to the top of the hill where I was stopped by a large gap. I could not get to the other side. "What do I do now Lord?" I looked around to see what everyone else would do. They used their cross as a bridge to get over the gap. It was just the right length. Mine was too short. Then it hit me.... I fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness. "I see now... I needed to experience the pain of carrying this cross. Instead I took the easy way... I took MY way. I did not know what was ahead, but YOU did. Oh God, what can I do? Is it too late?"

Amanda...

Ok...so I don't want to hear it from you Celtic fans or Laker haters :) I will stick my foot in my mouth now. They played horrible and I was disappointed.

Anyway..time to move forward in the basketball world. My JV girls team had their first tournament this past weekend. I was unable to make all but the last game due to the amazing wedding of James and Ruth Rogers that I was privelaged to be a part of. I met the new incoming freshman. It was exciting to meet new girls. Although they looked at me as if I was a new player on the team not their coach. I guess looking young will some day be to my advantage.

I was impressed with all the new girls but one really stuck out to me named Amanda. She is about 4 1/2 feet tall with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a cute raspy voice. I didn't know much about the new girls so I put in the starting line up based on what I already knew. Amanda took her spot right next to me on the bench at the start of the game. She said "I'm hoping to grow this year coach, don't worry." (with a shy smile and meaningful look in her eyes.) I said "I'm not worried at all. You will grow..but the size of your heart is what is most important." (ya.. ok sounds a little cheesy, like something we have all heard a million times. However, I meant it, and I believe that to be true. Especially in the world of girls JV basketball.

It was time for Amanda to sub in. "Ok kid, lets see what you got." I had no idea what I was in for. This girl worked harder then anyone out there on the court. Diving for loose balls, sprinting back in help side defense, crashing the offensive boards, showing emotion. It was really neat to see. It touched my heart and ispired me. This is the part of coaching that is so rewarding.

It got me thinking about life... how often do we underestimate ourselves, and especially others? The smallest kid on the team made the biggest impact on me. You never know how God can use you until you let him use you. The ironic thing is...she doesn't even know the impact she had made. I will eventually tell her. She just went out there with a fight and passion in her heart to give it her all. I am inspired to approach life in this way. I fail to do this often, I easily get discouraged when the results are not clear. However, that is the wrong motivation to have. It is all for the King. Who am I to be in control of who I inspire and who I don't? It is all up to God, and I am thankful that he uses us in this way.

Here is my quote for the day:

"Push yourself again and again. Don't give an inch until the final buzzer sounds."
-Larry Byrd
(A little shout out to the celtics)

Lets make history

Lakers vs. Celtics = tradition

I am PUMPED. Don't count on making any plans with me while these games are being aired. I will not miss them. However, I would be more than happy to watch the games with ya'll. It is not something that anyone would want to miss out on :) Lets go Kobe Bryant!!!

Faith to the test...

About a week and a half ago I was sitting in the saddleback membership class when one of my mom’s friends came in and said “Ashley your mom has been trying to get a hold of you. Something is wrong with your niece.” I think my heart skipped a beat as I ran outside to call her. My 8 year old niece Reegan had been feeling dizzy for about the past month so her mom finally decided to take her to the emergency room. They did a cat scan and found some bleeding in her brain. She was then take to Choc and placed in intensive care. The next day they ran an MRI and found a lesion on her brain. It needed to be taken out. The doctor was honest in telling us the possible risks of the surgery: paralyses, seizures, strokes, infection, and of course death.

I couldn’t bare the thought of my little niece dying. I wrestled with the Lord and struggled for a moment in time with trusting him. I prayed prayers of desperation knowing that it was out of my hands. I had the privilege of staying with Reegan the night before her surgery. She wanted me to lie in the hospital bed with her so I did. All I could think was “I wish it were me instead of her and…this might be the last chance I get to spend with her.” I was talking on the phone earlier with Jenni that night and she asked me if Reegan knew the Lord. I knew that I had to make sure that she did that night just in case something were to happen I would want to be sure that my niece was in the arms of the Father.

Reegan and I had a conversation about Jesus and I was confident that she had already made a decision. Thank God! I continued to lie awake and pray over her as she fell asleep. The song "Blessed Be Your Name" popped into my head. “You give and take away, you give and take away. But my heart will choose to stay. Lord blessed be your name.” I felt like the Lord was telling me to be at peace. I wept like a child that night in the hospital bed but I knew that the Lord was so near. ("The nearness of God is my good." Psalm 73:28) If something were to happen to Reegan I would have to continue to trust that it was for good. It would be one of the hardest things I would ever have to face in life but I would continue to bless his name because he is worthy. The next day Reegan had her surgery. Everything went well and she is recovering quickly. The Lord had his hand of protection over her the whole time and continues to protect her. The same as he does for you and I. This whole situation was scary and unexpected but it caused my family and I to cling to the hem of his garment and place all of our trust in him.

Here are some reflections and things that I learned through this:
I was so incredibly blessed by the body of Christ and how they all came together to pray for Reegan and encourage us. She was covered in prayer from so many people. We felt it, and it was so evident that God was at work. I was reading in John 14 that week about the peace that only HE gives. I am so thankful for that peace…”not as the world gives.” I started to feel bad for others that have to go through something like this, and worse things but do not have Christ in them. I don’t know how one does it. I felt so undeserving but so grateful. I also started to think about the many relationships in my life. It is crazy how quick something can happen. Someone that I love can be stripped away from me in the blink of an eye. I don’t want to have any regrets. I have been challenged to build better relationships and to share Christ in any way that I can. God is so faithful and I learn more and more about trusting him every day. After all...He is worthy of all my TRUST

Knot in my throat

Today, as I was thinking of everyone going back to CBU after the break, I got a knot in the back of my throat. I have that feeling you get when you know you need to be somewhere, or want to be somewhere but you just can't get there. It is wierd and hard but yet good at the same time. This feeling makes me want to draw closer to the Lord and figure out who I am outside of CBU. There is a lot in store, I just don't know what yet. I want to serve HIM and I pray I will do that faithfully every day of my life. I am excited to take a step of faith and learn new things.

I have already learned a lot in just reflecting this past month over my college years. One thing that has really stuck out to me is my friends. I realize how blessed I am to have some amazing people in my life who will encourage, challenge, and even drive out to irvine to visit me. I truly do not deserve it. God has been so good to me in this area of my life. There are times I could not have gotten though without the body of Christ pushing me along. I don't really know what else to say for now...well actually I have a lot to say but cannot seem to sum it all up in a blog so here are a few pictures of winter break:
Disneyland for Katie's birthday

A day spent with Carly and Chappy...doesn;t get much better then this :)


The Rockin Taco


New Year's Eve at Kinsley's